I Don’t Want To Be Strong, I Want To Be Vulnerable
As my husband was preparing to leave to go to Alberta, he gets on this “tangent”. He begins by asking me if I love him, how I am feeling or if I will miss him. The first answer is easy—yes you fool- I will love you to the day I die. Done. Out of the way. But the other two questions for me are always hard to answer. I usually skirt around his questioning, never really providing an answer. I do the infamous, “well what do you think” line of questioning—and it’s honestly to buy me more time before he begins probing again. We hurriedly get the kids ready for school- a task that I swear is taking longer and longer. Between the, “did you finish your breakfast” to the “stop kicking your brother” and “pack your lunch bag”—its all a big flurry & hurry to get everyone out the door by 9 am. So now it is quiet again- and I know the questions will come back around from the hubby.
“So Amie, will you miss me when I am gone”, he asks me again- running his hands through his hair. I notice he is not really looking at me. It could be fear, -what will she say—or maybe it is just his little quirks. I respond with something, completely off-topic- changing the subject—because I knew I didn’t want to discuss my “feelings” at this time. He winced a bit. Maybe I was too abrupt- I caught myself off guard too—and quickly moved into the next room to avoid any more eye contact or follow-up questions.
The day went on as usual. I’m too fucking busy. I like being busy to an extent- but I really got to manage my shit way better. It’s a goal for me this year- take on what I want to take on- and say no or “this opportunity does not suit my vision at this time.” I have been learning all sorts of ways to say no to things- because I tend to want to help everyone all at the same time- but I have realized that burning the candle at both ends doesn’t work so well for me—and it doesn’t work well for my family. So it was meetings, zooming with a client, more meetings, squeezed in a mini workout, lunch with the kiddos and more meetings. But something was off—-my chest was tight all day. You know that “pre-cry” pain? Ya, that uncomfortable stuffiness, mid-throat congestion and somewhat of an unhinged feeling or impending sense of doom. All the signs were there for an impending panic attack, but then the hubby walked in the kitchen, disturbing me from my near life-after-death moment. He cracked a smile and asked me again if I was ok. I for sure wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I knew he knew this- but I was putting up a front. For what purpose—I couldn’t really tell you— it makes no sense at all.
Fast forward, and now we are getting the kids down for bed. If you have kids- you know the only real time you spend together as a couple is between 830-930 PM (of course, there is some wiggle room). Jordan and I are night owls (who suffer like vampires during the day), but we try to make the most out of our evening because that’s when we can connect again as a couple. We do this by watching movies, chatting out various extensional crises and giggling and carrying on like we are still in high school. I still hadn’t answered his question and I though id be the one to bring it back up. I asked him, “why do you ask me if i’ll miss you—do you think I won’t”. I can be a bit of a cagey bird—hurt too many times in the past—so opening up even after all the years we have been together is still hard for me. He looked over at me, and simply stated how much he misses me and the kids- and he just wanted to know. I guess I do give off the vibes that everything is ok,—I’ve got it all under control and can run this household like a multimillion-dollar enterprise (which of course I can)- but it’s not the same without him. Of course, I never mustered up the words to tell him that—-just all the stuff that makes it easy for me to make the transition to him going out to work. I knew I had to be strong- show the strong front, because that’s what is needed right? He needs me to be strong, right???
He left the next morning bright and early. The kids woke up to see him off- and it’s so viscerally painful for them. The boys are used to it a bit more because he travelled for 5 years straight. But for my daughter—it’s like she has lost her best friend- it’s heartbreaking to see how it impacts them all. Then out the door, he went- gave him a little tender kiss, and he was gone. Day 1 of 14 begins. UGGGGGHH. Then that feeling came back- the one I hadn’t addressed. It’s linked to the question that I was asked repeatedly about whether I would miss Jordan or not. I did not want to be strong anymore, I just want to be vulnerable—but I’m still scared.
All this to say—of course, Jordan, I will miss you. But something deep down tells me I can’t tell you that. Something deep down tells me—not to tell you that. Something tells me that vulnerability is weakness. But it’s a lie—vulnerability is a strength. There’s nothing wrong with saying you need someone or want them to be around. My better days are spent with you—and our house is just not the same without you here. I miss you like bun misses cheese on Easter in Jamaica. Like Super Mario, without a moustache. Like the Star Wars without Darth Vader?? So I shed some tears, ate some dunkaroos, and made Pad Grade Prow and I’m still missing you. Myself and the kiddies will count down the days until you land back in Toronto. So if you ever ask me again if I miss you—just read this crazy shit that I wrote to remind you. You know i’m stubborn as fuck.
See you in 14 days…My Dove…
Amie
